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Let me start by acknowledging that over the past many decades I have been blessed to work with some very amazing allies. They do exist. Allies, accomplices, co-conspirators, and so many other words we use, the truth is the ability to create meaningful change is shared work that requires all of us. Whether it was fighting against apartheid in South Africa, or segregation – it took people who walked alongside and risked their very lives or livelihood to help create a better world. These people exist, and I am grateful for the ones who I have walked with and have lived that truth.
In this blog, when I speak of allyship, I am speaking beyond allyship across race. For all of us regardless of race there are moments we can choose to be allies.
“Lets Follow the Rules Allyship”: Unfortunately, there are some who claim to be allies, who can speak all the right words at podiums and in conversations; however, their actions do not match their words. They are the very ones who when they get pushed too hard, they resort to “rules” to explain why they can’t do something and work to uphold them even if they that Indigenous, Black and racialized folks will be harmed. Remember it was rules that kept women out of various positions, it was the law to have residential schools, to isolate people with special needs in institutions and to engage in conversion therapy with 2SLGBTQ+ people – the law while it is a mechanism of legal guidance is not neutral and was created to keep specific people in “check”. Some of these folks become so invested in their understanding of how structures should operate that they are not able to listen to any other opportunities that might exist to do things differently.
“Pick and Choose Allyship”: There are Indigenous, Black and racialized people who are also selective over which rights they champion. I have often seen and experienced this in my own life, with Islamophobia where equity allies speak on some forms of oppression but are often quite silent in this domain.
We would all do well to remember Audrey Lorde’s words, that we cannot dismantle the master’s house using the master’s tools.
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“Myself Over Everyone Else’s ” : self interest and ambition are not necessarily problematic however, some allies are too invested in their own self interest. Some of these folks become so invested in their understanding of how structures should operate that they are not able to listen to any other opportunities that might exist to do things differently. Making sure they are ok, at the expense of those who are taking the risks. Others continue to hold up the very practices and system that harms so many of us, as they try to create a name for themselves or set up their own little kingdoms either personally or within organizations and/or to gain fame or influence. In doing so they show care more for themselves than that of systemic change.
“Invisible Allies”: There are too many allies who say they are supportive in parking lots but are silent when it really matters. The heavy lifting and bleeding are left for Indigenous, Black and racialized folks, to do on our own. Sometimes, they say the right things in public spaces. However, their actions betray their words in private spaces.
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“Sort of but not Really Allyship”: Some allies are too scared to do something because they’re worried about the impact of getting it wrong. Understandably with call-out culture the way it is, there often appears to be little margin for error. That is a problem. Colonial systems will always honour their fear over the pain of racialized people. And so there is potentially room for us to reflect on if “call out” culture works OR when it should/needs to be employed.
“Traumatized and Traumatic Allyship”: Another variation of allies is one that I have been speaking more about in the past several years – those who do care and want to make change. But they are carrying their own pain and trauma. So their responses come from the place of their trauma. So when they respond, believing that they’re doing it for the right reason, they often replicate pain and trauma and do more damage to the goals they claim to be committed to. We cannot be trauma-informed leaders if we are not looking into addressing our own trauma.
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“Grounded/Centered Allyship”: Allies have to consider if our actions are actually holding up the system at the cost of the very people we claim to be in allyship with and the changes they claim to want to make. Saying we care isn’t enough – showing it through real actions of support is what matters.
Of course, there are some allies committed to us doing better – together. They spend time doing the learning. They humble themselves and ask for help.They apologize when they mess up, but they don’t stay in their emotions. They realize that they are in a process of learning and growth, and they will/must make mistakes if they are champions for change. They engage in their healing work.
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They ask questions, they step back and self-reflect. Through this, they become beautiful human beings who are able to stand in solidarity. This is not a “first” I do this “then” I can be an ally process. It is an ongoing process of growing and evolving personally while we do the work.
The truth is for all of us seeking to be allies (white and racialized), we must remember that we have all been colonized. We all have decolonizing work to do on ourselves.
If we truly want to make a change and be good allies, especially those with dominant power, we must be willing to risk something– the same way Indigenous, Black and racialized folks, in particular, are continually expected to risk themselves.
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I’m reminded of words shared by someone else, that resonates deeply with what I believe. I don’t want people who aspire for the badges of these words. What I and many of us want and need is FAMILY. People who see us as human as themselves, who see us and our lives as equally important and that they care so deeply they are willing to risk what they hold dear and speak/stand for that truth. To listen to us for guidance on how to do it because we know. But to be invested in it because we matter equally. Allyship (being in chosen Family) is a sacred relationship.
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Functional families love, they hold space, they create conditions, they take risks for one another, they show up, they celebrate, they argue, they speak up, they work things out and they fight on behalf of, they use what they have to make things better.
We all have the opportunity to create and live this. The truth is, we will only dismantle white supremacist systems and decolonize structures if we do it together. There is no other way. It is not easy work but necessary so that we can be in right relationship with one another.